


pretend I’m a shelter for heartaches that don’t have a home

by sassbewitchedmyass



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, game of thrones
Genre: Angst, I added a happyish ending, im so sorry for this but I had to get the emotions out, it fucking sucks, not a HEA, probably like the angstiest shit i’ve ever written, surprise, tho it’s d&d canon so of course not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-26 05:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19761862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassbewitchedmyass/pseuds/sassbewitchedmyass
Summary: After Jaime rode away.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> shit sucks but I had to get it out

She had endured rejection before, hadn’t she? But none of those instances could have prepared her for this one. 

Her toes had gone numb and the tip of her nose too, but she couldn’t seem to care. She stood motionless in the same spot he’d left her, looking towards the gates. She had no idea how long she’d been out here, but it didn’t matter. She would wait. He’d turn around and come back to her. Come home. She could feel the tears burning at the backs of her eyes again. She would not let them spill over. She just had to wait a few more moments, and Jaime would come riding back into the courtyard. 

The tears began to fall. 

She heard footsteps behind her coming closer, but still, she couldn’t move. 

“Ser?” Pod said, touching her shoulder. She couldn’t speak. If she opened her mouth the pitiful sobs she’d swallowed down would come roaring to the surface. 

“My- my lady?” He gave her shoulder a little shake. 

How would she face him. How could she possibly turn around and tell Podrick what a fool she’d been. What a godsdamned fool she still was. Waiting in this courtyard for a man who had never even looked back. 

She brushed her cold fingertips across her lips. She could still feel Jaime there. Could still feel his frantic heartbeat against hers, could still feel his hips slowly rolling into her, could still feel him inside of her. 

“What are you doing out here, my lady?” 

She could hear Podrick shuffling closer to her, but still she stared at the gates. 

“You’re going to catch cold. Please come inside.”

Podrick’s voice was becoming more uncertain. She was scaring him. Of course she was. He’d never seen her like this. She had never seen herself like this. 

Could you live with a hole in your chest, Brienne wondered. Could you walk and talk? Could you do your duty when your heart no longer resided there? 

“I’ll take you back to your chambers, my lady. We’ll send Ser Jaime to the kitchens for some hot cider. Doesn’t that sound good?”

Jaime would never set foot in the Winterfell kitchens again. He wasn’t coming back. He wouldn’t come to the realization on the road that he loved her. Wouldn’t turn his horse around and race back to her because he wanted to live. To live for her, with her. He’d rather....he’d rather die in Cersei’s arms than live in Brienne’s. 

She blinked and looked toward the ground. With the gates no longer in her line of sight, she felt the numbness creeping in. 

“Ser Jaime is gone, Podrick.” She rasped. 

She felt like she hadn’t used her voice in years. Her throat was scratchy and raw. The tears were back. She blinked furiously for a moment and looked back to the gates. She no longer truly believed he was coming back, but if she kept her eyes on the gates; she could pretend. If only for a little while. Could all of Winterfell go on living around her if she just stood in this one spot? Until dawn. Until he came back. Until his heart no longer beat. Until the stranger came for her. 

“When will he be back?” Podrick asked. 

Like it was a common day occurrence. Like it was a certainty that he would come back. Like every night at the stroke of midnight, the man you loved rode away from you. Like every morning he would climb into bed with you and wrap his arms around you; whispering against your cheek that it was all a dream. If she closed her eyes, would she open them to Jaime’s looking down upon her? Shining in the weak winter sunshine flooding through the window of their chamber. Would he run his hand through her hair, kissing her nose and eyelids and cheeks, and tell her it was all a horrific dream? 

Brienne closed her eyes, opened them.   
No sunshine. No Jaime. Just those damned gates. 

“He won’t, Podrick.” She took a shuddering breath and closed her eyes once more.”He won’t ever be back.”

She heard Podrick’s breath hitch behind her. Then, ever so slowly, he slid his hand down her arm and grasped her hand. 

“Let me help you to your chambers, my lady.”

She was exhausted. Her legs ached, her feet were frozen, her eyes were swollen, and she’d bitten into her lip so hard she could taste the blood. She just wanted to sleep. She could sleep until she no longer remembered this night, until she no longer remembered his face.

“He never loved me, did he Podrick? Who am I to wish that he could? No man has before, have they?”

She would not cry again. She wouldn’t. She was done with that now. Podrick needed her. Sansa needed her. The North needed her. She would not crumble to pieces for a Lannister. Yet...she still hadn’t moved. 

She felt Podrick shift and move closer to her. He laid his cheek against her arm and whispered, “I love you, Mum.”

Brienne broke.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to add this chapter because I just couldn’t leave this story in angst. I’m a big softy and I won’t apologize for it.

He found her in the godswood. It’s where she always came when she was anxious these days. 

“Lady Lannister?” He murmured. 

She turned from the water swiftly and looked to him. She hadn’t heard him coming up behind her. Brienne was usually more observant, more aware, but these last few months her mind had wandered more than she led him to believe. She was worried, he knew, but there was more to it then that. 

He made his way to her and wrapped her in his arms, burying his face in her neck and inhaling deeply. Where she used to smell of sweat and leather, she know smelled of clean linen and lavender. So very different from their beginning but comforting all the same. 

“What’s on your mind?” He murmured against her neck.

“What if you’d never come back.”

“Sweetheart-“

“What if you hadn’t?” She blew out a frustrated breath and stepped away from him.   
She began to pace back and forth in front of him, wringing her hands together worriedly. 

“You asked me what was on my mind and that’s it. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.”

“I would have-“Jaime tried to reassure her but she interrupted him with a hand on his chest and a fearsome growl. She would have made a direwolf proud with that one, Jaime thought idly. 

“You don’t know that! Not for certain.”

Those glorious eyes filled with tears and she turned away from him. Brienne took a deep breath and whispered, so low Jaime had to strain to hear her, “If you hadn’t come back, I’d be doing this alone.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to that. She was right, of course, but he didn’t like to think about it. 

“I could die in that birthing bed and then what of my child?” The tears she’d been trying to hold at bay spilled over and ran down her cheeks. She swallowed hard and swiped her hand angrily across her cheek. “She’d be alone in the world. She’d be just as alone as I would have been if you hadn’t come back.”

“You’re angry.” He said softly.

“I’m not. I’m- I don’t know what I am.”

He grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her closer to him, cupping her face with his good hand and brushing his thumb soothingly across her cheek.

“I was an idiot, a godsdamned fool, Brienne. But only for an hour or so. I was racing back to Winterfell before you’d even made it back to our chambers.” 

She gripped his hand and pulled it away from her face. He let it fall limply to his side. She turned away from him again and wrapped her arms tightly across her chest, as if she were trying to hold herself together. His heart broke for her. How the hell was he supposed to reassure her about this. He had left and he had hurt her. As sorry as he was, he could never change that. 

“If you hadn’t come back but had somehow survived, would you have taken her?”

“Taken her? From you?”

“No, of course not. I mean if I had died, would you have taken her? Claimed her and raised her as your own?”

“This is ridiculous. You don’t even know if it’s a girl-“

“I do know.”

“And why do we have to speculate? I’m here now, aren’t I? I’m not going anywhere.”

“I want to know, Jaime. I want to know that if things would have turned out differently that my daughter would be loved.”

She had started pacing again. Jaime reached out to grasp her arm and halt her but she shook him off with another growl and continued to wear a hole in the forest floor. 

“I love your daughter now, as I love you.”

“Will you teach her to fight if she wishes it? Will you have Sansa teach her to be a proper lady if she wishes it? Will you make sure Pod tells her stories of her mother? Will you make sure she gets to visit Gendry and Arya as much as she wishes? Arya would like that I think. Will you make sure Tyrion isn’t teaching her bawdy jokes? At least until she’s ten or so. You know how he is-“

“This isn’t about me not being here is it?”

Brienne finally stopped her pacing and looked up at him with anguished eyes. Tears were clinging to her pale lashes and she was clenching her jaw so tightly, Jaime was afraid she’d crack it. Oh gods. His heart clenched painfully in his chest. This wasn’t a what-if for her. She truly didn’t think she would survive it. He took her hand, firmly but gently, and brought her palm to his lips, whispering against her calloused skin, “It’s about you not being here.”

“So many women don’t survive the birth.”

“But you will.”

“But if I don’t-“

“YOU will!” 

He let her hand drop and grabbed her by the nape of the neck, pulling her closer to him. So close their lips were brushing as he declared earnestly, “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known and you will survive this. You survived Locke’s men, and the bear pit, and being surrounded by Lannisters in Kings Landing, and the Battle of Winterfell. You will survive this. Do you understand me?”

Brienne remained silent, staring at him with those glistening sapphire eyes filled with fear now. That wouldn’t do. He needed to hear her say the words, because truth be told he was just as frightened as she was. What would he do if he lost her? He wouldn’t survive it. 

“Jaime,” She rasped. 

Just his name in that small uncertain voice and he wanted to fall to his knees. She was the strong one, she’d always been the strong one. Could he ever do it without her? He never even wanted to entertain the thought. She cupped his cheeks in her big, powerful hands and brushed her nose against his.

“Because of you.”

“What?”

“I survived all those things because I had you with me.”

“That’s ridiculous. You would have, with or without me.”

“I might have but...”

“But what?”

“But I’m stronger with you.”

To say he was stunned would be an understatement. He’d never imagined that she took as much comfort as he did by being together, never imagined she would need him as much as he needed her. No one ever had, had they? He was the weak one who’d needed people, never the other way around. 

“But I cant have you with me in this, Jaime.”

He reared back at that. “Why not?”

“It just isn’t done.”

“Do you really think I care about what’s done? I killed my king, had a relationship with my sister, betrayed my house, and fell in love with my captor for gods sakes! When have I ever fucking cared about ‘what isn’t done’?”

“Fell in love with your captor? Really, so soon you-“

“Another time.” He shushed, dragging a watery giggle from her with his mock stern glare. “The point I was trying to make, Wife, is if Tarly thinks he’s going to keep me out of the birthing room he can say that to the end of my blade.” He grabbed her chin and tilted her head so he could look directly into her eyes. “The Mountain himself couldn’t keep me out of that room.”

She buried her face in his neck and let out a shuddering breath. He could feel her muscles relaxing bit by bit as she sank into his embrace.

“You promise?”

His heart constricted yet again. Didn’t she know? Didn’t she know the things he would do for her? Didn’t she know he would never leave her alone again? But if she had to be reassured every day for the rest of his life, he would do it and do it gladly. He kissed her temple and disentangled himself from her arms. Unsheathing his sword, he knelt down and laid it at her feet. 

“I offer my strength, Lady Lannister. I will hold your hand and be your comfort and strike down any maester who gets in my way if need be. I swear it by the heart in my chest that beats only for you.”

She stared at him quietly for a moment, tears shining in her eyes but she didn’t let them fall this time. Finally she nodded her head and murmured, “And I vow that I shall always need you by my side and you will always have my hand to hold. And I pledge to not ask you to maim any maesters, for that might bring you dishonor. I swear it by the heart in my chest that beats only for you.” 

She gave him a blindingly brilliant smile then and offered her hand to him. As he rose to his feet and wrapped her in his arms once more she sighed a soft sound and clutched him tighter to her. 

“Alright, love?” He whispered against her neck.

“You always know what to say to make me feel better.” 

“Not always, but I’ll never stop trying, never.”


End file.
